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  • Writer's pictureJohn Lombard

Final Bulletin of the Community Newsletter of the Galactic Fortress Stardrinker


Special message from Galactic Admiral Trox Mandible


When a galactic cycle draws to a close, I like to look back on the events of those 10 activity units, and reflect on how far our Galactic Fortress has come - and not just in lightyears travelled.


This cycle I am proud to announce a resource acquisition productivity increase of over 2000%!


Certainly, the rollout of the 12th generation Raptor209 mood-suppressing brain chip is a factor in our record-breaking performance, as is the self-sacrifice, discipline and commitment to the Omni-Empire I see in each of us, from fighter pilot to inquisitor to sentient floor-cleaning blob.


But I think we can all agree that this achievement is primarily due to the recent updates to the Stardrinker’s operational guidelines.


For many cycles, these guidelines restricted our resource-harvesting activities to uninhabited worlds. Due to the ongoing threat to peace and security posed by the space pirates, the Empress Eternal in their abyssal wisdom ordered we refresh our standard operating procedures to account for the mineral bounty of inhabited worlds. I don’t need to tell you how this change greatly streamlined many of our processes to better deliver on our key performance indicators!


On a side note, I hear that the surplus staff from the defunct planet ecology team are enjoying their new roles on the sludge tubes, with unplanned fatalities well below the sector average!


But as impressive as the overall productivity uplift has been, our toil collectives have delivered many specific accomplishments this cycle, including:


  • modifications to the gestation process that make new clone workers 3% less likely to gouge out their eyes at the moment of tube ejection

  • the discovery and successful harvest of a key space pirate homeworld in the Demevar system, for which we received an unflinching gaze of approval from the Empress Eternal

  • delivery of the pilot phase of our new self-directed learning program on crushing diversity

  • assisting Annihilator Custodius with his quality inspection, with few psychic obliterations or requests for further information

  • an extremely productive executive-only fact-finding trip to the Shimmering Panopticon of Delight

  • 1 new flavour of nutrition paste available at 45 of the 600 cafeterias.


On a lighter note, many of you have asked about Boopsy, my new Languid Flurnk from Betris-IV. Boopsy has adjusted well to station life, and you should be reminded that as Flurnks need lots of room to prowl, you may encounter her in the corridors of the station. If you see Boopsy,  say hello, put out a tray of nitrogen flakes, and remember not to touch her, as the Languid Flurnk’s appetite for flesh is insatiable.


Here’s to another galactic cycle of order and peace through the brutal application of efficient processes!


Your leader and friend,


Galactic Admiral Trox Mandible, Commander Ulimatus of Galactic Fortress Stardrinker


P.S. Holograms of Boopsy in amusing helmets have been delivered to your Raptor209 brain chip! Have a festive end of cycle!


Farewell brunch for Kevin


It’s a sad day for the chemical weapons team as they farewell Kevin Twilbrak, one of our best experts on corrosives. His team will gather to mark his departure with a 5 minute brunch on Observation Deck 12, starting at productivity allotment J-109. Chemical weapons division leader Sondra Moonglimmer will attend to say a few words in Kevin’s honour.


Kevin was of course ejected from an airlock last week for bothering Annihilator Custodius with unfounded rumours of a simple but unmanaged security risk that jeopardises the very survival of Galactic Fortress Stardrinker, involving the vulnerability of the reactor core to certain X-class gasses.


Sondra Moonglimmer has asked this newsletter to remind all toil collectives that the Stardrinker is invincible, and any reckless gossip on security risks is considered treason to the Omni-Empire. Further, Sondra stressed that any gossip about her twin sister, Priestess Oberon Moonglimmer, who notoriously betrayed the empire to join the space pirates, but is now considered dead after the Stardrinker’s assault on the space pirate homeworld in the Demevar system, will likewise be considered treason.


Kevin’s frozen, orbiting corpse is expected to be briefly visible from the observation deck during the brunch.


Outcome of internal review into security risks


The results are in - Galactic Fortress Stardrinker is invincible! Go toil collectives!


Our big visit from the Terrorsmiths


The Omni-Empire tolerates many races and cultures, provided they are useful and display absolute obedience to the Empress Eternal. One such example of properly harnessed diversity was on display from productivity allotment H-387, with the long-awaited visit from our partners the Terrorsmiths.


Once considered dangerous cultists on a secretive planet in an unexplored sector of space, the Terrorsmiths have since become enthusiastic agents of the Omni-Empire, deploying their psychic powers in our struggle against space pirates.


This delegation from the Scowling Prince of the Terrorsmiths to the Galactic Fortress was an important opportunity to strengthen ties between the Omni-Empire and a key client planet, and reactor security toil collective 78-A did us all proud in the execution dome with their display of parade marching techniques.


In return, the Terrorsmiths demonstrated their unique traditions by spontaneously extracting the life essence of the marchers, infusing it into a handful of pulsing green gemstones.


Reactor security toil collective 78-A will now travel to the Terrorsmith planet as the first involuntary participants in this new and important cultural exchange program. Their discarded bodies will be recycled as per cafeteria protocols.


Hackathon results


Once again, our end of cycle hackathon was won by the toil collective with responsibility for vivisection.


Truly a cut above!


Charity fashion show for war orphans


This cycle Sondra Moonglimmer’s chemical weapons division is in charge of our fundraiser for war orphans, to be held in the execution dome at productivity allotment R-590.


This fundraiser will be a fashion show! Our exploitation toil collectives have spent many activity units collecting outrageous and colourful costumes from across the galaxy, and have now begun to return to the Galactic Fortress with their cargo. These exotic garments will be disintegrated at the fashion show, with proper imperial uniforms instead displayed for the audience. Sondra has selected reactor security toil collective 78-B as models for the plain, utilitarian garments that are the only approved wear for Omni-Empire soldiers.


All workers will have a generous donation automatically deducted from their pay, to fund the creation of more war orphans, who can then be processed into productive citizens of the Omni-Empire.


Job spotlight


Are you ambitious? Hard-working? Able to hold your breath for extremely long periods?


If so, we have the perfect job for you - Annihilator Custodius is looking for a new executive officer, to support his important duties as the Omni-Empire’s chief enforcer. As we know, Annihilator Custodius is outcome driven and has high expectations, but this could be the perfect networking opportunity for someone with sophisticated relationship management skills.


To contact Annihilator Custodius, assume the Dusk Window meditation posture, snap the neck of a bird, visualise the bleak sigil, and reach out with your mind.


Pet of the activity unit 


Just like the last activity unit, this time we are highlighting Boopsy, Galactic Admiral Trox Mandible’s lively Languid Flurnk.


Holograms of Boopsy getting frisky with reactor security toil collective 78-C have already been delivered to your brain chip.


Fun fact of the week


How well do you know Galactic Fortress Stardrinker? Pop quiz! Where are the escape pods located? Is it:


A. Grand Admiral Trox Mandible’s executive suite

B. The Elite Trooper barracks

C. Below the Radar Systems and Support offices

D. All of the above


Stuck? It’s D, all of the above. All personnel should confirm their nearest escape pod as soon as possible, certainly before the charity fashion show for war orphans - that is, before productivity allotment R-590. Don’t forget!


As always, if you have any items or suggestions for this community newsletter, please deliver your note to brain chip serial number 5959125.


And have an exciting end of galactic cycle, from the communications team here at Galactic Fortress Stardrinker!

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